Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle
A Break-Up Letter
Oh, Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle. Each week, I select my next review through a random number generator, and for the past three weeks, I have rolled you. I don’t want to review you. I’ve specifically rerolled in order to avoid you, but you come back like a boomerang with attachment issues. It’s not like I don’t like you. You’re good, great even! You’re just not my type, and this review is boring for me to write. It’s a “me, not you” thing. Really.
But here we are, and I’ve rolled into you again, so let’s just get this over with because you can’t seem to get the hint. Loads of people sing praises of you, and I’ll do the same, but I never looked forward to playing you. If I didn’t have a neurotic need to finish every game I own, I would’ve left you long ago. I’m not particularly fond of your brother, XCOM, either. You may be the more cheery, funnier version of him, but you still share a lot of his genes. I enjoyed my time with you, but I’m ready to move on.
Who you are:
You’re unique, I’ll give you that. You managed to combine the esteemed Mario franchise with the ear-bleeding antics of the Rabbids and create something coherent. It’s like if Mickey Mouse teamed up with Despicable Me’s minions and birthed something that didn’t drown humanity in a cesspool of shit. What’s more amazing is that your crossover wasn’t a platformer or minigame version of the Olympics. No, you created a competent strategy game that retained Mario’s spirit, added the Rabbids’ zaniness, and threw in guns to quench my bloodthirst.
Our dates together focused on saving the Mushroom Kingdom from the SupaMerge, a device that threatened to make everything a Mario/Rabbid fan fiction. When we played, I took control of Mario and two other characters (Peach, Yoshi, Luigi, or their Rabbid doppelgängers) and overcame legions of Rabbid abominations. The enemy and I took turns abusing each other, and on my turns, each of my characters could shoot, move, or use a special (be it a status buff or a chance to fire during the enemy’s turn). Your crazy, kinky side came through when you inserted jumps, dash attacks, and transportation pipes.
Those battles were your most attractive features, but you tried to look tempting in other ways. You sprinkled in some simple puzzles to appear more intelligent. You added collectible art and models to seem creative. After I beat a world, you enticed me to return through additional challenge missions which were fun albeit nothing like your golden years. You even offered a two-player cooperative mode (and later, a competitive mode) to pretend like you were interested in my friends.
Why you were great:
- Despite being a strategist, you were always so energetic and spontaneous. It was rare for a turn to feel bland because my characters could do so much. Bliss is vamp dashing into a mini boss with Rabbid Luigi, then pushing said enemy with a critical shot, thus activating Mario’s Hero Sight and Luigi’s Steely Stare for up to five more attacks, which then propel the foe out of bounds to die, all while healing your entire team. People who don’t know you will think I’m spouting gibberish, but you and I can treasure these intimate moments.
- You had a great sense of humor. You actually made Rabbids funny and endearing even though they’re just hyperactive Rayman rejects. Rabbid DK remains the pinnacle of all that is good and holy in the world.
- You fashioned each playable character with love and care. The eight playable characters were distinct enough to change how I approached a battle. Peach and Rabbid Mario encouraged high-cost, high-reward blitzkriegs whereas Yoshi and Rabbid Luigi focused on status effects and critical shots. Admittedly, your obsession with keeping Mario on my team is a little off-putting, but at least he was strong enough to carry his weight.
When you stare at the Rabbid DK, he stares back.
Why you kinda sucked:
- You kept repeating yourself. I heard you the first time and the second time and the umpteenth time after tens of hours of gameplay. Your stages provided some variety, but you kept throwing the same seven enemies at me. I’ll admit you had a few nuggets of novelty with your boss battles, but even your mini bosses followed patterns similar to the cannon-fodder creatures. When you wanted to be different or more difficult, you just copied-and-pasted more enemies onto the battlefield. Talking more doesn’t mean you’re doing more, and that goes for both of us.
- Your sense of exploration is terrible. Your world was beautiful, yet you gave me a restricted path to follow. In your mind, “exploration” was either taking a minor detour to a dead end or wildly flinging the camera around to spot a chest behind a rock. To top it all, you robbed Mario of his ability to jump, a cardinal sin in some bible.
- It’s obvious that you don’t like me playing with other people. I get it; you’re a jealous person. That’s fine; just don’t pretend like you care about my friends. Your co-op mode is less about cooperation and more about whoever is loud enough to make all of the decisions. Your competitive mode, meanwhile, made me question your sanity. Why not follow the same battle structure you use everywhere else in the game? Why did you think it was a good idea to add item blocks and limit our turns to only three actions? Do you really hate my friends that much?
It’s over.
We were just never the right people for each other. We can still be good friends, but I can’t commit to you the same way strategy fans will. It is remarkable that you even exist in the first place, and I do believe almost everyone should get to know you. You’re just not the one for me. Until your next DLC comes out and we share a regrettable, sweaty, three-day fling in a motel bedroom, this is goodbye, Mario + Rabbids.
Arbitrary Statistics:
- Score: 8
- Time Played: Over 35 hours
- Number of Players: 1-2
- Games Like It on Switch: Worms W.M.D., TINY METAL
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