Nintendo Switch

06
Jun
2018
Solomon Rambles About the Only Elder Scrolls Game Seemingly in Existence

Solomon Rambles About the Only Elder Scrolls Game Seemingly in Existence

The Elder Scrolls V:  Skyrim

FUS-TRA-TING

From its initial release in 2011 to its Switch port in 2017, the Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim has outlived the Wii U’s production run. You can take that as a compliment to Skyrim’s enduring appeal or a sad reminder that Nintendo’s last generation console was an infertile wasteland of sadness and solitude. Skyrim has received a fair amount of flak for its endless ports, and with each edition, reviewers have collectively shrugged their shoulders and stated, “It’s still good.” Being a Nintendo-only gamer/fungus, I was one of 25-or-so hermits that was looking forward to playing Skyrim for the first time, so I was eager for the port. At long last, people would shut up about how I was missing out on one of the greatest games of all time.

Six years of hype creates a damningly high expectation to surpass, but it is not uncommon for a game to prove itself to be a timeless gem. In a sense, Skyrim is one of those gems, but whereas Ocarina of Time is a diamond, the fifth rendition of the Elder Scrolls is a just a humble pearl. I imagine a dose of nostalgia would have sedated many of my frustrations with the game, but without that, each glitch, repetitive side quest, and instakill jangled my nerves. What once was a Game of the Year now feels like a mere stepping stone for a later, better Elder Scrolls sequel.

Solomon’s best attempt to capture a scenic picture.

What is it?

Skyrim is Dungeons and Dragons watered down to an action RPG for the cool kids. From the outset, your character is set to be executed despite no one knowing what you did because, hell, they had to find some way to start the story, didn’t they? A dragon soon crashes the death party, allowing you to escape and explore the vast region of Skyrim. As luck would have it, you happen to be Dragonborn, an individual who can use the magical shouts of the dragons and suck out their souls. With this power, you can not only end Skyrim’s current civil war but rebel against the dragon menace that threatens civilization’s existence. You can also screw that nonsense and busy yourself with fetch quests, building a house, and other matters far more important than war and mass extinction.

As you can tell so far, Skyrim allows you to sculpt your play experience as you see fit. You select your character from a number of different races (each with different abilities), design their physical appearance, and then name them. From there, you choose how you fight, be it with magic, melee weapons, bows, sneaky-sneaky daggers, or a combination of the above. Each of your hands can hold a weapon/spell, so there is a lot of mixing and matching if you so choose. Forget any hopes of addressing conflict nonviolently because bloodshed is the universal language in Tamriel.

The most holy of all the weapons: the floating iron sword.

Almost every action you take builds experience. Sling a few fireballs, and your destruction level will improve. Pick a few locks, and bam, level up for lock-picking. Sell a few iron swords? Sure, that’s reason enough to up your speech level. Skyrim follows the logic that if you do the same thing enough times, you’ll improve. Prepare enough ramen noodles, and one day, you, too, can make peppercorn-crusted filet mignon. As you grind your individual abilities’ levels, they contribute to an overall experience meter, and once filled, you can upgrade your magic, health, or stamina in addition to allocating a skill point to further buff your skills.

Although the civil war and dragon storylines are the main focus of Skyrim, you have several other opportunities to dive into the Elder Scrolls lore. Each major town has at least one substantial quest, be it to climb the ranks of the Thieves Guild, eradicate the vampire threat or join them, or confront one of the many Daedric (demon-like) princes. Countless smaller quests can be attained from speaking to townsfolk or other NPCs. The large majority of all quests will task you to delve into a dungeon, cave, or fortress infested with hostile EXP livestock. Should you accomplish your missions, all the NPCs of the land will recall your deeds forever and always, mainly because they have few dialogue options.

Even Agnes – who is forever stuck in the wall – will herald you.

What’s good?

  1. Skyrim is immersive because of how much control you have over the game world. You can align with certain factions and rout others, betraying those who you dislike. You can read through the multitude of books littered throughout the land, learning everything you could have discovered from the Wiki. If you wish to be self-sufficient, you can craft all of your materials through alchemy, smithing, and enchanting. Hell, you can even marry and adopt kids. With this virtual autonomy, the real world is simply a vestigial appendage of your mortal coil.
  2. The amount of content can easily suck out a hundred hours from your life. The number of quests in the original game is staggering enough to topple a large class of fifth graders, and this is further bolstered by the included Dawnguard, Hearthfire, and Dragonborn expansions.  Multiple playthroughs are encouraged to try out other character races and follow different questlines (such as choosing to become a werewolf).  There is a lot to do, even if a quarter of your playtime is spent on loading screens and small talk with the locals.
  3. Certain quests ooze with creativity. The civil war quests see you fighting alongside an army while conquering enemy fortresses or cities.  You can join the Dark Brotherhood (a league of assassins) or opt to eradicate them. You can enjoy a night of drunken debauchery and suffer the next day with a hangover and the unsettling fact that you proposed to a hagraven.  The Daedric prince quests, in general, offer adventures that can be unsettling, epic, and/or hallucinogenic.

Nazir was so amazed by Solomon’s archery that he refused to move as Solomon shot arrow after arrow into his face.

What’s bad?

  1. Bethesda produced a lazy port. Upon its initial release, Skyrim was riddled with more bugs than a Riften vagrant, but this was supposedly forgiven due to the massive scope of the game.  However, six years later, Bethesda has done nothing to reduce the pests.  Entire questlines cannot be completed; enemies flip and fly through the air; crashes occur; and controls can be unresponsive.  Apart from the bugs, the only new additions to this Switch edition are botched motion controls and free items from amiibo.
  2. Combat often feels more like a battle of attrition than technique. Most fights boil down to who whacks who harder.  Dodging and blocking are too inconsistent to be reliable, so you will often spam the attack button until you run low on magic, health, or stamina.  At this point, you flee the battle or to your menu to guzzle eight potions or devour eighteen sacks of flour.  Hit detection is variable but particularly horrendous against dragons or when using a bow.  Some scuffles can be fun, but the combat system does not feature the depth needed to keep it entertaining over hundreds of hours of content.
  3. Much like the life of an NPC, Skyrim becomes numbingly repetitive, contrary to my opinion in my padding blogitorial. It’s great that the game has fifty billion caves, dungeons, ruins, and fortresses, but when they all follow the same basic archetypes, it’s hard to distinguish between Location 23 and Locations 46, 72, 138, or 95b.  It certainly doesn’t help that you’re constantly fighting the same spiders, bandits, and goddamn Draugrs. Even dragons eventually devolve into annoying houseflies, albeit big, burny ones.  I get that some things will repeat in a massive game, but Skyrim often feels like the product of one designer/programmer falling asleep on the Ctrl+V buttons.

The best bug was when Solomon’s magic meter never diminished. Ungodly power, I tell you.

What’s the verdict?

Skyrim slammed the gaming world like a comet in 2011, blowing away all other releases and distinguishing itself as a game to be remembered.  In the years since, Bethesda has tried its damn hardest to make sure we won’t forget it either.  In reviewing this game, I haven’t a clue if I’m biased due to my unrealistic expectations or if everyone else is due to their nostalgia-addled brains.  New players will likely get a kick out of the freedom offered by the Elder Scrolls, but veterans need not slog through the same game they have been force-fed for years.  For any of my readers on the fence, you can wait and make your decision when I repost this review in two years for the Elder Scrolls V:  Skyrim – Anniversary Edition – Pocket Edition.

Arbitrary Statistics:

Scoring Policy

Posted by Solomon Rambling in Review, 0 comments
29
May
2018
Solomon Plays GoNNER – Episode 3

Solomon Plays GoNNER – Episode 3

An Internet Existentialism

With this video, I have officially released my tenth submission as a YouTuber.  Logically, at this point, I should harness the insight and experience of an award-winning film director, but for some reason, I still feel like a chimp aimlessly screaming at a TV screen.  In the course of ten videos, I have at least learned that flinging my feces is mostly unhelpful and unsanitary.

All this to say, I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing, apart from avoiding what’s shit.  I’m certainly enjoying creating videos, but I have yet to do something that really separates Solomon Rambling from all of the other amateur rabble.  The same can be said of this website, perhaps if to a lesser extent.  Over all of these months, I have focused on producing work that an accomplished content creator would generate.  My voice and style of writing has weaved their way into my products, yet I’m very much following those who have found success before me.

This week’s GoNNER video provides a perfect example of my copy-cat behavior.  I bought GoNNER for the sole purpose of playing it while I recorded.  Numerous YouTubers have developed fanbases by simply recording themselves while monologuing over a game they haven’t played yet.  These videos constitute our much beloved “Let’s Plays,” and I figured if the pros were making them, I should learn to do so as well.  My other videos have followed a similar train of thought:  if someone notable made a video around a certain theme or structure, I would mimic them as best as possible.

This behavior is not inherently wrong, not by a long shot.  When you learn an art, you don’t forge your style and identity from the outset.  Even prodigies begin by learning from others.  As you develop your foundational skills, you look to those already established in the field.  If you don’t outright copy their work, you are at least unconsciously incorporate aspects of their style into your own.  Once you become more familiar with what you’re doing, you begin to craft a distinct product that is your own.  That, or you become a fundamentalist who perfects the work of your predecessors.

I’m still a novice, treading the path of those who have paved their success.  Regardless of how disgustingly cheesy and cliché that previous sentence is, it’s true.  Right now, I don’t feel an urgency to rush my development, even as I near the first anniversary of my website.  With my current pace, rambling onscreen has gradually felt more natural, and I can see improvement from my first video to now.  Give me a little more time to gestate (and any critiques you have), and I will become a beautiful butterfly/moth/fully-formed fetus someday.

Posted by Solomon Rambling in Video, 0 comments
06
May
2018
Solomon Vs. the ClusterPuck Bots

Solomon Vs. the ClusterPuck Bots

Like Falling Off a Bicycle

Call it a calling, a gift, a natural affinity.  Whatever you label it, some people have innate talent, making them able to easily achieve something that might take others days or months or years to obtain through practice.  Growing up, I was fortunate enough to pick up some skills rather effortlessly.  In fifth grade, I began joining the grade level above me for math.  In middle school, my band teacher fawned over my French horn performances (no matter how painful it is to admit I played that instrument).  By my senior year of high school, I was going to the local university for my English courses.  I was not a prodigy by any means, even if my ego rivaled one’s.

Natural skill certainly supported me during my childhood and adolescence.  It gave me self-confidence and a level of self-respect.  That said, an inborn ability does not replace hard work and practice, and talent only travels so far.  The supposed math genius in me hemorrhaged and died when calculus infected the previously simple and sweet equations.  I abandoned the French horn soon after it became apparent that practicing in class was not enough to keep up with the rest.  When my undergraduate career threw me into an ocean of accomplished writers, I fled to shore and hid from writing for years, fearing my best was someone else’s average.

Now that I’m older and unbearably more mature, I can recognize that any initial skill I have is a good launch pad for future improvement.  All talent can be fostered, and if there is a peak to how much an ability can be improved, I can make Editor One cover up my limitations.  With my YouTube videos, I learned pretty quickly that I would have to rely on gained experience instead of my God-given birthright to become a viral internet sensation.  Each video is a lesson, something I have regurgitated in almost every one of these video journals.

ClusterPuck 99 proved to me that occasional practice is not a sufficient pathway to success.  In the six weeks between my last Isaac video and this one, I avoided my recording equipment, reasoning I could take a break while the Namco video was being edited.  During that time, any and all skill I had dried up and mummified, so my initial takes of ClusterPuck were not much more than me moisturizing myself while I mumbled and stumbled and cursed and cried.  It wasn’t pretty, but now that I’ve posted this, I feel turgid once more.

You know the drill at this point.  Shoot me some shit or keep it to yourself if that’s your fetish.  I’m GoNNA make me some videos.

Posted by Solomon Rambling in Journal, 0 comments
29
Apr
2018
Solomon Rambles About Stoning

Solomon Rambles About Stoning

Tumblestone

Where Sausage Is a Selling Point

In the land of puzzle games, Tetris has stood as the supreme king since its rise to power in 1984.  Puyo Puyo has served as its second-in-command, and together, they unleashed the puzzle beast that is Puyo Puyo Tetris.  A number of puzzle games have vied for the throne, be it Nintendo’s own Dr. Mario franchise, the sublime Meteos, or the casual-darling Bejeweled.  Against such behemoths, it surprises me that so many indie developers invest their energy into making puzzle games.  On a system already drowning in match-three knock-offs, puzzle games must burn with creativity to separate themselves from the common peasants.

On looks alone, Tumblestone appears bound for serfdom. When it originally came out on the Wii U, I was so turned off by the visuals that I ignored the tempting sales and glowing reviews.  I had planned to continue ignoring it when it came to the Switch, but then I exhausted my wish list of good multiplayer games to play with my partner.  Rather than acknowledge her pleas to play board games or engage in social activities in that hellish world known as “outside,” I downloaded Tumblestone.  Remarkably, not only did it keep my pasty arse plastered to couch, it demonstrated a level of quality deserving of at least the title of duke in this puzzle aristocracy.

What is it?

Tumblestone presents you with a board with five columns of different colored blocks (the name of said stone-like blocks currently evades me).  The blocks hang from the top of the board while your character scurries across the bottom (a la Magical Drop II).  Predictably, you must clear the board of all blocks, and you do so by shooting the bottom-most block of each column.  This is a match-three puzzler, however, so you can’t go shooting your finger-lasers just willy-nilly.  Once you destroy a block, you must destroy two more of the same color.  If you’re not careful while removing blocks, you could find the third purple stone you needed is inaccessibly behind another colored block, forcing you to restart the puzzle.

For the majority of the single-player modes, you can leisurely chart your moves and ensure your success.  In the game’s three multiplayer modes, the tempo amps up to a feverish pace as you and your friends/bots race to clear the blocks the quickest.  Puzzle Race plays exactly as it sounds:  the first to complete the puzzle wins the round.  The Battle mode adopts the traditional puzzler approach by throwing an endless number of stones your way.  If the blocks reach your character, you suffer a squished death, and the last survivor wins.  In Tug of War, you compete to complete smaller puzzles, and when you finish a puzzle, a new one is added to your opponents’ queues.  Complete all puzzles in your queue, and the round goes to you.

Tumblestone also boasts a substantial single-player campaign, allegedly containing “40+ hours” of content.  Although this estimate is grossly exaggerated, the campaign does a solid job of introducing gameplay modifiers which can later be applied to multiplayer games.  A modifier may add a conveyor belt to the columns, force you to fire two blasts with one shot, or prevent you from making consecutive matches of the same color.  You will undoubtedly come across a puzzle that appears absolutely unsolvable, but the game rewards you with skip tokens periodically, allowing you to avoid confronting the hard things in your life.  Even in the instance that you use all of your tokens, the internet exists, so just Google your problems away.

What’s good?

  1. Tumblestone is delightfully inventive and intuitive. The single-player modes can offer a Zen-like experience, allowing you to carefully complete a puzzle in one go or frantically destroy blocks until you find the right combination.  In multiplayer, the puzzles are simpler, so muscle memory and quick wits trump thoughtful planning.  Each modifier can drastically impact how you approach a puzzle, but no matter how jarring a modifier can be at first, each is simple enough for you to find a natural groove after a few puzzles.
  2. Multiplayer can be tailored to both experienced and new players. Although the gameplay may be difficult to describe to others, most new players will understand the basic concept and even the modifiers after watching or playing a few games.  By using the game’s rudimentary yet effective handicap system, you can craft a level playing field no matter the skill levels of your fellow players.
  3. The amount of content packed into this indie release is staggering. The single-player content is robust enough that you don’t even need friends or loved ones, be it to play with you or save you from your hermitic lifestyle. For the hardcore couch multiplayer fans, the modifiers can be mixed, matched, and randomized to offer a unique challenge each round.

What’s bad?

  1. Apart from the sound design and blocks, the presentation is awful. The characters look like Rayman’s deformed spawn; the backgrounds and locales are overly cartoony and lacking detail; and the single-player campaign’s story is rife with outdated memes and unironically cheesy gags.  Couple all of this with an ugly menu system and you’d be forgiven to think Tumblestone was a flash game.
  2. The single-player campaign is as bloated as a college professor’s ego. The game features over ten worlds, with each containing 30 puzzles based on a certain modifier.  As I stated, I like the modifiers but not enough to enjoy 30 straight puzzles of the same mechanic.  Each world also has a stage in which you must clear 3 or 4 consecutive, randomized puzzles.  If you make a mistake, you have to try again from the first puzzle.  Because these stages are unskippable, you will have to endure—on average—upwards of 20-30 of the same type of puzzle.
  3. The multiplayer could use some extra features. Online multiplayer is present on the PC version but absent here.  You can’t participate in team matches, and Battle mode does not allow modifiers.  More modes would have been appreciated.  Ultimately, the game offers enough, but why settle with what’s there when I can be demanding and entitled instead?

What’s the verdict?

In its current state, Tumblestone does not surpass the puzzle gaming greats, but it makes a damn good effort.  Puzzle games are rarely hits at social gatherings, but Tumblestone has captured the interest of my friends and become the next Rocket Fist by offering short, simple bouts of competition.  The game certainly has some room to grow, but that’s what makes the idea of a sequel so appealing.  With some polish to the presentation, a streamlined single-player experience, and a wealth of new content, a Tumblestone series could be a major contender in the puzzle market.  For my interested readers, grab the demo at the very least.  Unlike other demos, Tumblestone is a solid representation of the experience you’ll get with the full version.

Arbitrary Statistics:

Scoring Policy

Posted by Solomon Rambling in Review, 0 comments
15
Apr
2018
Solomon Visits the Switch Namco Museum

Solomon Visits the Switch Namco Museum

Too Much History Behind This One

We flew too close to the sun.  I set out with a grand dream:  play each of Namco Museum’s eleven games, lampooning the tired retro collection for every wrinkle and age spot it had.  Editor One would then take my treasure trove of satire and select only the best nuggets.  He would sit with Player Two and I and comb through his edits.  Our collective minds would see all necessary improvements, and Editor One would slink back into his lair to produce the final masterpiece.

But the sun was so hot, and our wax wings could not carry us forever.  It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to slog through all of Namco Museum, and by the 45-minute mark, I became acutely aware of how quickly my rambling was turning into babbling.  Exhausted and defeated, I shipped the results to Editor One, and that sweet, innocent child endured all of it to excise 41 minutes of excess fat.  The three of us sat down to watch the video, brainstorming edits while Player Two transcribed the road map for “Draft 2.”  This process was actually remarkably fun, and we pretended to be a little YouTube crew, scheming for our next viral hit.

We were still optimistic, but the sun is a realist.  Life got in the way, and Editor One had already developed a hatred for the damnable Namco Museum video.  He had seen too much of it, had heard my voice drone on for too long.  He tried to avoid it, but the video slowly became his raven, haunting him no matter how much he tried to purge it all from his memory.  His dreams were of corridors, sprites, and darkness.  Underneath his tortured screams, he could still hear a deep, malevolent voice grumble, “Druaga.”  Four weeks passed without me hearing from him, and I can only imagine the hard drugs and women he needed to distract him from Namco.

We had been burned.  Three days ago, I found a 27-minute video shared with me, the feared Draft 2.  As I watched it, I could not enjoy it, knowing the pain we had all suffered making it.  I wanted to be done with it, but there were still five issues, and with a heavy heart, I ordered Player 2 to give the changes to Editor One so that I didn’t have to speak with him.  I was not privy to the conversation, but I believe Editor One at point asked that I “suck his ass.”  I cannot imagine the severity of his mental instability for him to say something like that.

But here we are.  I present to you the 25-minute video into which we all poured our love.  We all learned something, be it video editing, effective commentary, or efficient teamwork.  It’s amazing how much we have done in this month-long process.  It’s amazing how much the original video has changed.  It’s amazing that there is still a grammatical issue at 16:59 despite me explicitly pointing it out and stating how it could be fixed.  I’m not blaming you, Player Two, BUT I DISTINCTLY RECALL SAYING THAT THE SEMI-COLON GOES AFTER “ROLLING THUNDER 2,” NOT “ARE.”

We’re done though and ready to move on.  We’ve revised our plans, improved our wings, and steeled our souls, all to prepare us for the next venture.  If you want to contribute to our growth, feel free to throw comments or money our way.

Posted by Solomon Rambling in Video, 0 comments