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Jun

2019

Arena of Valor

You Have Been Defeated

Just like everyone poops, everyone will die, and so it is with video games. Cart batteries short out; virtual shops shut down; and nostalgic hits become entombed in copyright claims, never to be ported to a newer console. However, with ROMs and some skillful pirating, most games can be revived in some form. When online-only games kick the bucket, they’re just dead. You’re only left with memories and probably some other games which are better anyway.

Rumors suggest that Chinese mega conglomerate, Tencent, intends to abandon Arena of Valor in the Western markets. Updates and new content will stop, and the company will allow the game’s audience to naturally shrivel up. To the mobile player base, this news strikes a painful blow. With nearly 80 characters, numerous promotions, and a competitive scene, the game seemed like a mainstay. For Switch owners, we knew the end was near when updates stopped this last February, leaving the game a store-brand imitation of its mobile cousin. Together, we cannot prevent AoV’s demise, but I can milk it for a review before we sell off its organs.

What is it?

Arena of Valor is a MOBA, which means it’s one team against another in a race to destroy the other’s base. I think. I haven’t played any others, but I am told AoV is simpler and faster compared to League of Legends. Focusing on what I do know, you and four other teammates (be it strangers or friends) choose from 52 characters, split into six class types. Assassins are skilled at killing enemies; tanks soak up damage; warriors don’t know if they want to be assassins or tanks; marksmen shoot from afar and everyone wants to be them; mages do the Harry Potter things; and supports cheer on the other players and bring orange slices for halftime. Some characters can have multiple class types, and a good team will include two warriors, a tank, a marksman, and a mage. A bad team has four marksmen who all wonder why they’re losing so quickly.

The battlefield is split into three lanes, each marked by three towers on each team’s side. It is vital for you to destroy these towers, but if you’re without minions, these structures will make short work of you. The minions are CPU-controlled fighters which spawn from your base and march toward the other side, attacking other minions or towers. You can support your minions by eliminating opponents and their henchmen, which will gain you experience and gold. Experience allows you to level up and upgrade one of your three unique abilities whereas gold buys equipment which bolster your stats. Your normal attacks can do some work, but your abilities provide most of your destructive force. However, cooldowns prevent you from spamming these attacks. If you die, you face another cooldown counter before you’re back in the fray.

Although each battle has the same playing field and set of rules, how you pursue your victory is up to you. You can try to stick with a lane, fighting off all opponents and steadily chipping away at their towers. You can roam from lane to lane, ambushing enemies while relieving your weakened comrades. You can team up with an ally whose skills complement your own. You could also spend your time killing monsters in the jungle, contributing nothing to your team while gaining experience in the hopes of one day being helpful. Hell, three of you can do that, why not?

These battles constitute your main matches which can be played casually or ranked. You also can create custom matches with your friends or hop in the lobby for AoV’s equally interesting alternative modes. No one ever joins these lobbies, so you’ll never actually play a game, but they’re there. No, I won’t explain them.

Not the worst team, but it stinks of too many marksmen. And I was disconnected this game.

What’s good?

Arena of Valor’s relatively fast pace showers you in instant gratification. Matches typically last between 15 to 25 minutes, and if that’s too long for you, you can always disconnect and abandon your team to die. Like disconnecting, each of your failures and successes feel like you’re actually turning the tide of battle. Each kill earns more experience, and each destroyed tower bolsters your team. One or two players are all you need seize victory. A single person can also lose the game if they die too much, so stay back where you belong, scrubs.
The variety of heroes and level of customization creates an individualized experience. Unless you’re Valhein, and then you’re just like everyone else. For everyone but Valhein (and maybe Butterfly and Tel’Annas), your character’s tactics will change based on how you select your equipment and arcana (which also impact stats). For instance, Kil-Groth’s default is to overwhelm opponents with his attack speed and life-steal. You can customize him as a tank instead, lowering his killing power but ensuring he will distract opponents while your teammates dispatch them. Conversely, you can rob him of all defense to transform him into a killing machine who falls to cardiac arrest when opponents so much as sneeze in his direction.
The Switch rendition of the game has its perks, including better graphics. Being able to play with a controller also offers more precision. Most of all, the community is considerably less toxic. I previously swore off the mobile version because the players were such ass orchards, and I felt myself slowly growing a part of them. With the Switch version, people don’t have time to type with a controller, so fewer mean comments are said. Even if someone does say something, you can report them. It doesn’t do anything, but it feels good.

What’s bad?

The Switch version is also much worse overall than its mobile counterpart. There are fewer heroes, play modes, UI options, promotional events, perks, and updates. The character roster has not been as finely balanced as it has been on mobile so certain heroes (like Violet) can steamroll the rest. Most importantly, the player base isn’t on consoles, and there is no cross-play. As a casual player, you’ll rarely wait longer than two minutes to find a standard match, but if you want to play alternative modes or with high-skilled players, you’re best off taking your phone to the toilet rather than your Switch.
The game reeks of free-to-play stinginess and bugs. Although Arena of Valor offers temporarily free characters week-to-week, you will only permanently unlock five to use. The rest have to be purchased, and unless you empty your wallet, it will take 20 or more hours to collect enough gold to buy a hero. As for the bugs, the game crashes roughly every 6 or so matches, forcing you to scramble to re-enter before the match begins. Arena of Valor doesn’t know how to make targeting work for warriors either, so you’ll find yourself killing the little minions while an opponent cheese grates your face. You may also find your character mindlessly wandering into chaos because you can’t cancel out of an attack.
Arena of Valor lacks creative distinction. The battlefield looks like your typical fantasy affair, and the characters could be sued for plagiarism. You have a King Arthur character named “Arthur,” a hulking demon which revels in bloodshed, a big-boobed chick with a bow, an evil jester, a big-boobed chick with a hammer, a centaur with big boobs, and several others fighter girls who put the “cleave” in “ample cleavage.” What’s worse, they all speak in meme-fueled catch phrases. Unless the internet hasn’t satiated all of your desires, Arena of Valor lacks an appealing presentation.

What’s the verdict?

Arena of Valor is a solid, free game. It also has leprosy and will dump players like rotted flesh as the year progresses, if rumors are to be believed. Both veterans and newcomers can enjoy the game, so if you’re interested, board this dying horse while you can. Otherwise, join the mobile audience where its prognosis is a little better. Just don’t blame me when the cruel player base makes you wish the game died sooner.

Arbitrary Statistics:

Score: 8
Time Played: Over 70 hours
Number of Players: 1
Games Like It on Switch: Paladins, Nine Parchments

Score Policy

Mar

2019

Fortnite

Keeping YouTubers Alive Since 2017

With its active players numbering in the tens of millions, Fortnite has amassed a gargantuan fan base. Its detractors, however, have emerged in equal force, claiming it to be the worst blight on humanity since disco. A good chunk dislike Fortnite on principle, seeing it as a rip-off of PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds. Others despise it due its popularity, dirty hipsters. A certain subset hasn’t even played the game but hates it simply because other people do. If you fall in this mob mentality, your mindset is no different from those that spawn prejudice and discrimination.

It’s stupid to hate Fortnite solely because it’s the popular thing to do, especially when there are so many valid reasons to actually hate it. The game is not amazing—certainly not worthy of Game of the Year—but for many people, it’s fun. Having played over 265 hours, I have both fallen ill to Fortnite fever and suffered its every bug and issue. In the spirit of objectivity, I have designed this review to reflect the myth and fact behind some of the most common gripes with this battle royale.

What is it? Quick Version

Fortnite is a third-person shooter in which you and up to 99 others parachute onto an island to bathe in each other’s blood and guts. Last team or individual standing wins. Weapons, healing items, and vehicles litter the map for you to loot your optimal arsenal. As time moves on, a storm encircles the island, shrinking the playing field. Step into the storm and it slowly kills you, like an 8-5 job. If you die, you’re booted to the lobby to join another game.

Fortnite’s main hook is its building mechanic. By destroying your surroundings, you will obtain resources to construct walls, platforms, ramps, and roofs. You can put up simple barriers to shield bullets or erect immense fortresses to house your ego. You don’t need to build to win, but your chances do increase significantly if you can channel your inner Bob the Builder.

Fortnite is simply a degenerate rip-off of the far superior PUBG.

Fortnite did copy off of PUBG, just like PUBG was influenced by the Hunger Games, which stole from the Japanese movie, Battle Royale. Plagiarism deserves its own circle of hell, but in the entertainment industry, “borrowing” creative ideas is as normal as scratching your junk in public: frowned upon but relatively permitted. Fortnite is not the first one to get the itch, and when everyone starts itching themselves (Call of Duty, Apex Legends, Battlefield), we call it a new genre. Case in point, Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled is much-beloved despite being an obvious knock-off of Mario Kart.

Although Fortnite does share much in common with PUBG, it certainly plays differently. Apart from the building element, the game strives for over-the-top action compared to its influence’s more realistic offering. Items like gliders, balloons, and hover boards all lend to more maneuverability and frantic action. One moment, you could be sniping from a mountain, and the next, you’re swooping down into an enemy’s base for a close-up firefight. The weapons can range from your typical load-out (shotguns, assault rifles, pistols) to the absurd (bombs that make others dance, rocket launchers, scoped revolvers).

Ultimately, choosing between Fortnite and PUBG is like asking whether cartoons are better than live-action. It’s your preference. I personally enjoy Fortnite’s smaller map, reduced focus on tactical combat, and ridiculous emphasis on wacky vehicles. If those elements make you cringe, then stick with your gritty realism.

The building component gets in the way of hardcore gunfights.

I find this complaint funny. Have you ever eaten a cheeseburger? It basically copies what hamburgers were already doing, but it added moldy cow juice on top of it. That’s literally the only difference. However, some people don’t like how the cheese taste mixes with the burger taste, so they would prefer the cheese to be removed entirely. And if you do that, you got yourself a hamburger. A cheeseburger tastes good because it’s combines cheese and burger. Fortnite is Fortnite because the building mechanic is combined with the shooty mechanic. If you take out the building stuff, it’s just a hamburger. Or PUBG. Whatever.

Building is a vital part of the game, but you don’t need to construct Rome in ten seconds to be able to win. There are ways to punish players who build excessively (mainly explosives). Overtaking an opposing team’s structure can also be exhilarating, so can evading death by placing 10 tons of wood between you and everyone else. Firefights are often determined by dexterity, levelheadedness, and reactivity. Building just adds another layer.

It may not be your preferred way of playing either. I prefer Smash over typical fighters. I like the Binding of Isaac’s rogue-lite gameplay over Dead Cells’. You like what you like, and that doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong, and it certainly doesn’t mean you can pass judgement on something you haven’t given a fair try.

Caught seconds before Solomon threw his controller across the room.

Fortnite has destroyed an entire generation of children with its memes and obnoxious presentation.

The children were doomed long before Fortnite came out. They fell to Minecraft, Five Nights at Freddy’s, and the Sonic-inspired furries. This battle royale simply is the next horseman of the apocalypse.

Fortnite’s dead memes, trademarked dances, or llama obsession cover up the real issue: the game doesn’t have an identity. The building mechanic is there, but it has very little impact on the tone or art direction. Instead, we get a wacky, cel-shaded world which is about as unoriginal as the 8-bit inspired graphics that currently plague the indie world. Rather than develop an overall aesthetic, the developers just threw every possible idea in the game, from pirate ships to deserts to Vikings to shark people to robots to sinister masked figures to busty cowgirls. If someone was keeping track with a Bingo card, you’d have blackout by now.

Worse still, the developers continually change the game itself. With new modes, locations, and weapons rotating almost weekly, you have to play almost continuously to stay acclimated. Some might say this constant change keeps the game fresh, but it more often makes the game feel inconsistent. New bugs come with each update; weapons aren’t always balanced; and new locations often don’t live up to their predecessors.

Epic could have fine-tuned its existing map and items (or just slowed the update process), making everything feel more purposefully designed and finished. However, they seem terrified of the game growing stale. I can only imagine a room full of developers staring at a blank whiteboard titled, “How Do We Stay Relevant?”, as they worship fidget spinners and social media while Pewdiepie plays in the background.

The Switch version of Fortnite is a Cro-Magnon compared to more playable versions on other consoles.

This is true. I can’t think of any reason to play Fortnite on Switch because it runs so poorly comparative to other consoles. Sure, it’s portable, but I could crap in a paper bag anywhere I want, and that doesn’t make the paper bag better than a toilet. With a lower resolution, a lower frame rate (maxed at 30 FPS), nearer draw distance, and muddy textures, the Switch rendition does not nearly offer the best experience.

This is not to say the game is broken on Switch. It’s very playable. It’s also maddening when you lose to a performance issue. When the game stutters during a firefight or your bullets phase through enemies or you take damage from bullets hitting a two-foot bubble around you, you get salty. Epic has practically given up on improving the Switch version, and their laziness only serves to pour more crap into your paper bag.

What’s the verdict?

Fortnite neither murdered your parents nor cured cancer. It offers a fun, free-to-play experience, and with the famine of good online multiplayer shooters on the Switch, it’s one of the best we have. Despite defining a whole market of paraphernalia and clothing that would make Hot Topic feel inadequate, the game lacks the creativity to make it feel like anything more than a fad. There’s also no harm in enjoying this fad. Just don’t bother with the Switch version if you have another means to play.

Arbitrary Statistics:

Score: 8
Time Played: Over 265 hours
Number of Players: 1
Games Like It on Switch: Tetris 99 (Somehow?), Splatoon 2

Scoring Policy

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