Review Update

Aug

2020

The Review Update Blogitorial with a Gato Roboto Review

Killing several birds with one stone, which is animal abuse at this point

After completing a review, I use a random number generator to select three games for my next article. Player 2 and I then vote for which game we think would be the most entertaining, with Editor One serving as our tiebreaker. Outside of this process, I will review games which I have recently featured in a video, such as Drowning and Fractured Minds. Through this process, I am generally able to review games which interest me.

My system also creates a growing cesspool of games I don’t want to acknowledge. With the more reviews I complete, the more the random number generator is likely to grab these unwanted names. With the really bad games, I haven’t played or thought of them in so long, I’ve forgotten how they play exactly. Only my core hatred of them remains. My Super Bomberman R review took less time writing it than it did replaying it and understanding how updates changed the gameplay. If I had just reviewed the game after I had finished it, the kidney stone would pass so much more easily.

A logical person would change their reviewing system, but I can’t break this arbitrary Rambling tradition. Instead, I will invite you for a closer view into my neurotic tendencies. For this review update/blogitorial, I will touch upon both my past reviews and the games I have yet to review. Through this, if you have been waiting for a particular review, you’ll understand why I’ll never write it.

Some breasts and beautiful vistas to entice all my readers.

The Unfinished Games

Normally, I like to have only five “new” games at any one time. It prevents me from overbuying. However, every Black Friday, I will splurge on the sales. I also succumb to consumerism and break my rules from time to time, like I did with Xenoblade Chronicles. Consequently, I’m chiseling at 9 games currently, listed as follows:

Disgaea 1 Complete
Lego Marvel Super Heroes 2
OTTTD
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Rescue Team DX
Rock of Ages 2: Bigger and Boulder
Rogue Company
Stardew Valley
Turok
Xenoblade Chronicles Definitive Edition

When reviewing games, it is best practice to start a game, work on it steadily, and complete it before moving onto another. Taking two-month breaks between play sessions, conversely, is like cleaning a car using a cat as a loofah: you can theoretically get the job done, but the process is illogical, ineffective, and infinitely more painful. In eight months, I have devoted three hours a piece to Disgaea 1 and OTTTD. I dislike both of them, so I avoid them in favor of the other games on my to-do list. When I feel guilty enough to play them, I spend 20 minutes re-learning the concept and another 20 making progress before I abandon it again.

Although I will eventually complete both of them, my experience will have been so fragmented that I won’t feel able to give it a proper review. The likes of Astral Chain and Okami (both of which, incidentally, involved Hideki Kamiya) won’t see my front page unless I receive death threats from fans. When that happens, that means I will finally have fans, and I will gladly review both of them.

Currently, my only image of Astral Chain, but boy, it is a looker.

The Updated Games

As I have mentioned before, I generally dislike DLC, be it free or paid. I would much rather have all the content at once so that I can enjoy it in one serving. When a developer releases DLC post-launch, they essentially shove their game back on my to-do list.

I don’t want to play your game again. Once it’s off the to-do list, I cleanse myself of it, allowing my maiden body to court another game. I wish to stay pure.

As a reviewer, however, I can’t ignore the updates, at least the free ones. The updates could fundamentally change the game. Hell, the Town of Light could actually be playable. Not good, mind you, but playable. If I were to review a game without testing out the changes, I would be publishing a flawed opinion. If content comes out after my review, my review is still fine because it represents an opinion of that game at that time, but to do this, I would have to review games after they comes out. I never do that.

Dead Cells is not the same game I played when I first bought it. One of its 2019 updates decreased the difficulty for your first run, allowing me to beat the game on my first try after tens of failed attempts pre-update, and I haven’t looked back. Other free updates have come out since, and although I have enjoyed the game, I’m not eager to have my ass handed to me. Reviewing the game would require me to complete a few more runs to familiarize myself, which sounds like a lot of work.

Minor updates which don’t drastically impact gameplay – like with Animal Crossing: New Horizons and Human: Fall Flat – don’t require me to replay the game, making them easier to review. I actually look forward to those reviews, diving into how the updates improve or hurt the overall gameplay. Conversely, games like Enter the Gungeon or Hypercharge have changed too much since I last played them and frighten me.

it’s satirical because I’m shown here outside of my house and talking to people.

The Boring Ones

There are also those games which are nothing special. Usually, these games score between 6 and 8.5, so they aren’t inherently bad. They just don’t lend themselves to unique review ideas. Assault Android Cactus+ is a great game but makes for a straightforward review. Neurovoider also deserves praise, but I’ve written enough about rogue-lites. Hidden in Plain Sight – another favorite in my house – is so simple that there’s little to write about it.

Take Gato Roboto, a game I have avoided. I’ve randomly rolled it at least four times, but the other games rolled have deserved the review more. Why? Because this is Gato Roboto’s review:

“Gato Roboto is equal parts Metroid and Blaster Master, but you control a cat in a mech suit, which is meme funny. Your mech controls like a bulky Samus, and the cat acts like her morph ball, with some added maneuverability. The cat can wander away from the suit to access new areas but is more vulnerable in this state. You will adventure through a standard Metroidvania map which employs basic yet clean 8-bit graphics. The developers made a competent game which does absolutely nothing new, and you’ll be done with it in three hours. Even if you’ve exhausted all of the other competent Metroidvanias on the Switch, this game won’t give you the fix you need for your apparent genre addiction.”

It’s a throwaway 6.5 game which appeals to a niche group. People don’t need more than 120 words and three pictures to know if they’ll want it. When my average review runs around 1,100 words, only filler and irreverent jokes would fill the extra 980 words to describe Gato Roboto.

Gato Roboto is among a family of games which could be reviewed in a paragraph or two. Stikbold! is your “wacky” local multiplayer party game with a unique gimmick and shallow gameplay. South Park: The Stick of Truth plays like the original Paper Mario but with vulgar humor instead. Hidden Through Time is I, Spy and Where’s Wally. I could describe these games in more detail, but these single-sentence reviews could almost suffice.

Now, I believe that each game deserves a full review because the developers generally worked hard to make a full game. These games just don’t tickle my creative muse. I could do “mini reviews” as other sites have done, but this format seems like a shortcut to lazier writing rather than a way to reinvigorate my writing style. As such, these games will eventually get reviews, but they also may share the fate of Gato Roboto, serving as gimmicks of a larger work.

The Exciting Ones

Roger Ebert remains my favorite critic. He managed to make almost each of his reviews unique and entertaining, and he wrote whatever the hell he wanted to. He wrote a review from the perspective of Garfield, and that’s ballsy, intimidating, and slightly arousing.

My favorite games to review allow me to break from my standard structure. My standard structure exists to organize my key points, allowing my readers to pick which sections interest them. Having a common framework also makes my unique reviews feel that more different. If every review was a Top 10, a break-up letter, or a history of the Mushroom Kingdom, readers would get exhausted. In essence, consistency exists for a reason.

I rarely know which games will lead to interesting reviews, and admittedly, I have not experimented with my review structure as much as I would like. Sometimes, an uninteresting game (like Gato Roboto) can result in a crossover article, and other games can be bunched together to create a larger message. These reviews do tend to be more difficult to write, but they almost always rank among my favorite articles.

The Dreaded Ones

Apart from friends, family, and a few weirdos, I seldom get visitors to my website. My Twitter page is similarly ignored. Despite this, I’m terrified of upsetting potential readers. I don’t tag developers when I post unfavorable reviews. I write excuses in my articles for why my opinions may break from the popular consensus, giving me an out in case someone was offended by what I had said.

The reviews I dislike writing most are for those games which I view as trash but others view as treasure. The saying goes that everyone has an opinion just like everyone has an asshole, but sometimes a certain combination stinks and deserves to remain where the sun doesn’t shine. What if my opinions are odious? What if I’m missing what makes the game good and by publishing my inaccurate review, I’ve exposed my ass to everyone?

Yes, I sometimes do have nightmares about being naked in front of others. Why do you ask?

Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus is a tastelessly offensive FPS which doesn’t know if it wants to ham it up or make grown men cry. It only knows how to be a muddy, straightforward shooter. Warframe delivers gorgeous landscapes and combat animations which help to hide its gameplay which never emerges from its shallow kiddie pool. Pixeljunk Monsters 2 sold its soul and simplicity for fancy new visuals and ungodly load times. Aegis Defenders just sucks outright. Somehow, all of these games are beloved by critics.

For these games to receive a review, we’ll need a small miracle. That could be a random fan specifically requesting for one of these games to be reviewed. A random fan also doesn’t mean you, Mom. I know you’re reading this. Yes, I know you think I’m cool.

A Review of the Reviews Article

Based on my current pace, I won’t be able to write a review for every Switch game before we inevitably move onto the next console. At that point, I’ll pretend the Switch never existed and fawn over whatever underpowered system Nintendo creates next. Having written over sixty reviews, I’ve long since exceeded my expectations for this website. Everything now is just gravy, and if you have any suggestions for gravy, I’ll gladly review it.

Now roll the “Arbitrary Statistics.”

Gato Roboto

Gato Roboto is harmless. It plays exactly as it should and doesn’t aspire to be anything more. Metroidvania fans will have fun with it the same way we enjoy our thousandth game of Spider Solitaire: it’s simple, and we’re mostly playing on auto-pilot. For those looking for an easygoing adventure with a few good boss battles, Gato Roboto may be a good buy. It just won’t ever be a great one.

Arbitrary Statistics:

Score: 6.5
Time Played: Over three hours
Number of Players: 1
Games Like It on Switch: Blaster Master Zero, Kamiko

Scoring Policy

Sep

2019

Review Update #4

Sophomore Slump

We’ve hit the Terrible Twos, people, the second anniversary of this website. This last year saw my productivity drop to a trickle as outside events pulled me away from my work (Player 2 and I now have rings, for instance). For half of the year, I wrote only two or three articles a month, significantly lower than my previous six or so. I apologize to my random visitors (who aren’t family and friends) who have been hoping for new content.

This is the cool part though. I have random visitors now. Every week, I see a steady stream of viewers come to my website, and for some reason, my Gorogoa review still gets a lot of hype. Mind you, we don’t have a Solomon Rambling fan club, but we could if I play my cards right.

This year saw me pushing back into the fiction world. Subreddits like r/shortscarystories and r/nosleep have thriving communities, and each story I have posted has resulted in a surge of viewers. I won a contest, and my stories have been narrated twice. Someone even said I was their favorite writer on the subreddit. Blush.

I reference this game later, so it’s relevant.

It hasn’t been without its problems. I have become a popularity whore because I don’t want to write a story that won’t get views. Science fiction and long third-person horror just don’t have the viewer base on Reddit. Unless my story is horror and 500 words or less or is “written realistically from a first-person view,” I can’t post it. Hell, my favorite story, “None of You Can Write a Good Twist,” was taken down because it treated other stories on the subreddit as if they were fake. I get they have a theme, but holy hell, there are a number of stories on r/nosleep which break or bend the rules but stay up somehow. God, it’s amazing how “Heaven Comes for All” even managed to stay on there.

I’m salty; I know it. Although I always wanted this site to be a place for my fiction, there is a part of me who wishes people came in equal masses for my reviews. I appreciate those who read my stories, but I would love to see comments on my reviews (barring those found on my Katamari Damacy review). I would love to be criticized by a disgruntled gamer.

Fetishes aside, it’s been a weird year. We’ll see how my junior year compares.

This, too, is relevant and spaces out the text nicely.

As for the whole “Review Update” of this article, I don’t have much to say. The Nintendo Life community has recently been shredding apart the site’s reviews, so I’ve pondered how I can improve my reviews. Lately, some of them have felt weaker than I would prefer, but I have loved others. Regardless, I have no scores to change.

As for the games, Flat Heroes continues to be absolutely amazing. Every person who comes to play loves it, and it is so easy to get into. I could play that game for hours. Crawl, comparatively, has proven not to be a hit. The controls and rules of the game are far more complex than I had previously thought for newcomers, even if they get it by the end. Four-player games are also too chaotic, making three-player games the best. Although I have not played it with anyone recently, I wish Treadnauts was more popular in my home because it’s the multiplayer game I miss the most.

Other than that, it’s all been new games for me. Hopefully, we get more people commenting on my reviews this year. With more discussion and discord, I might actually change a review score.

Jan

2019

Review Update #3

Are We Done Yet?

Damn you, Solomon. Damn you and your principles and your review updates. I now know full well why other reviewers never look back on their past articles. After a certain point, you forget what you’ve written, and you definitely won’t remember exactly why you handed out a certain score. I am barely able to avoid repeating the same jokes or introduction paragraphs. How can I be bothered to actually reflect on my life choices?

I’ve certainly questioned if I should adjust a score in the last five months. Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap, Treadnauts, and Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime are all games which I’ve considered. After playing Firewatch and Gone Home, I now appreciate Night in the Woods more. However, I won’t change a single score. After reading Past Solomon’s critiques, I trust him more than Current Solomon’s nostalgia.

Gone Home has also made me reassess the validity of my high scores. Critics loved Gone Home, and after playing the game, I can confidently disagree with their lofty “88” rating on Metacritic. I just don’t think the game is that good, and I recognize people could say the same about Katamari Damacy and Gorogoa, two games I’ve hammered with a 9.5 score. Do I feel my ratings are off? Hell no. Based on my parameters, both games are near perfection. That doesn’t mean others care about my parameters.

This is why I like Metacritic and review scores. No review can tell you if you’ll like a game, even if you read through it all instead of skimming the conclusion. It’s a single opinion; that’s it. If you are interested in a particular title, I recommend you go on Metacritic and read at least these three reviews: one which gave the game the highest rating, one which gave the lowest, and one which scored somewhere in the middle. This brief survey will give you a pretty clear picture regarding if you should go forward with the purchase.

And that’s enough ass-kissing for Metacritic. In terms of updates, the Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth + received the most content when Nicalis gave out the other booster packs (including a new character). As a testament to how much I’ve played Isaac, the update has done little to make me interested in the game again. GoNNER also earned a whole new underwater section (and some other knick-knacks) which just seems to pad out the game more than anything. The developers for Treadnauts gave some extra love to their players in the form of new options for multiplayer plus the ability to shuffle all stages together. It’s cool that they did this, but I haven’t really played more than a few rounds since the update.

I know in my last review update I promised to show how my review scores add up to other sites, but I forgot where I put my Metacritic template, and I’m too whiny and lazy right now to make it again. Suffice to say that my more recent reviews have increased my overall average. I’m still theoretically more negative than my compatriots, but I’m getting more neutral.

On a final note, I want to take some time to shit on the Jackbox Party Pack 3. It’s the only game my family is willing to play, and out of the different games we could play, they only like Quiplash. I’m sick of it all. I’m done making witty penis-related jokes. I have a website for that. I don’t need this in the rest of my life, god damn it.

Mar

2018

Review Update #1

The First Reflection

Over the years, I have started my fair share of half-assed projects, enough to at least make three full asses. Each endeavor started with ample ambition and dedication, but each eventually petered out, be it to lack of interest, time, creativity, or all of the above. To write this article is something of an accomplishment for me because it means I kept with it long enough to write a whopping 20 reviews. Compared to other websites, this number is peanuts, but for me, it represents seven months of continued focus. It gives me hope that I’ll maintain interest in my future children for longer than a weekend.

But you’re all here for the games, so let’s get to those.

The Ones That Collected Virtual Dust:

Before my website, my tendency was to abandon a game shortly after I finished it. I did not expect this to change once I started writing game reviews, and lo and behold, I was right. Thumper is an amazing game, but I’m not eager to chase high scores, so now new plays for me. I’ve played through Cave Story enough times to last me a few more years. In general, I need about three or four years before I’m itching to replay a game, so Blaster Master Zero and Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap are still too fresh in my mind for me to revisit them, even with the former’s new DLC characters. If I ever get around to playing Magical Drop II again, I’ll be surprised, especially since I own better puzzle games. I still have yet to finish all of Death Squared’s four-player puzzles, but without a dedicated group of three other people, I haven’t mustered the motivation to complete them. As for Kamiko, I got my fill when I replayed it for my review, so I imagine it is another game which will never be touched again. Ending this section, we touch upon Lego City: Undercover, which I have only opened for videos and pictures. If I ever have to actually play it again, it will be a sad day for Solomon.

The Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth+

This game now has well over 400 hours logged onto it, but nearly half of that time is from my partner. At first, she only watched me play, and after we discovered Northernlion, she binged all of his Isaac videos. There was a brief period when we played co-op, but after doing so killed me inside, she chose to begin her own account. This was all during the Rebirth years on the Wii U, but once Afterbirth+ hit the Switch, she made a goal to 1001% the game. It’s been a slow-going process, but she now has almost every Post-It and challenge completed.

As for me, I continue to enjoy the dailies (still need to unlock Broken Modem), and I imagine I play 1-3 hours of it every week. After having Isaac fever for nearly three years, I’m growing a little bored of the game. The update a few months ago was a somewhat welcome edition. It’s great that there are no more bugs that prevent you from completing the game, but I’m nowhere near dedicated enough now to 1001% it, especially because all I need is the Broken Modem and to see one enemy (which only appears in the Womb when Jesus feels like it). The Booster Pack content can be fun, but the new items dilute an item pool which has been watered down considerably already.

The Multiplayer Sessions:

I love buying multiplayer games, especially ones that allow for more than four players. The awkward geek in me believes that I’m cool having a selection of games when my friends come over. It is very rare for my friends to actually give a shit about most of my games because they come over hoping to play specific games, be it Mario Kart 8, a Smash Bros. game, or some rendition of Mario Party. Most of my indie options are left forgotten, either because they’re difficult to learn or the experience really isn’t that novel.

That’s why Rocket Fist is so special. Almost every single play group I invite over enjoys flinging fists at each other, and many request to boot it up when they come over again. We rarely play for more than 15 minutes, but we have yet to grow bored of it. If someone has not tried out the Switch, Rocket Fist is one of the first I show them.

Jackbox Party Pack 3 is another fan favorite, especially with my family. Although I still get quite a few laughs in every play session, the game is growing a tad stale, especially since the only modes people seem to enjoy are Quiplash 2 and Tee K.O. I’ve pulled out Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime a few times when I have friends over of different skill levels, but it has never seemed to click with anyone. The same goes for Overcooked!, and its framerate and controls issues have become more noticeable to me, making me want to play it even less.

The Rest:

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild: Still love the game; still think it’s amaze-balls. I enjoyed the Master Trials expansion enough for the price tag to be justified, but it is largely more of the same game. I have not had time to truly wade through the Champions’ Ballad, but I’ve managed to get about halfway through, and I think it’s solid as well. The “revamped” Guardian bosses are a little tiresome to me, but the new shrines have been worth my time.

Puyo Puyo Tetris: It’s still a fun game, but if I’m playing a puzzle game these days, it’s Tumblestone. My partner and I will take turns on its Marathon mode when our brains are mush and we feel like wasting our lives.

Splatoon 2: A lot of cool content has come out since my review, but I can’t be bothered to play it given its connectivity issues and hatred of friendship. A few weeks ago, I hopped online to play a few League games, and it was fun, but then one of my friends was booted mid-game despite their solid internet, and my heart turned to stone. I imagine I will return to Splatoon 2 at some point in the Switch’s lifespan, but I have had more fun with Doom online, even if it has its fair share of connectivity issues.

Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle: The new DLC came out, but I have yet to touch it. The new multiplayer mode is still awful, with two play sessions being enough for me to retire it for good. I may open the game when the Donkey Kong DLC is released, but as I said in my review, I was never really amped to play this game in the first place.

Super Mario Odyssey: Again, new DLC came out, but I’m not interested enough in hide-in-seek to try it out.

Fire Emblem Warriors: My partner and I have tried so many times to get back into playing it, to give it another chance because we enjoyed Hyrule Warriors so much. Alas, it is still a mediocre game.

Spelunker Party!: I haven’t touched this game since the review, and I hate it. I probably should have addressed this in the “Ones that Collected Virtual Dust” section, but that would not give me enough space to clearly shit on this awful creation.

Update Over: