Review

24
Sep
2017
Solomon Rambles About Breathing

Solomon Rambles About Breathing

The Legend of Zelda:  Breath of the Wild

Best Zelda Game to Feature Golden Crap

On Metacritic, over a hundred reviews recommend the Legend of Zelda:  Breath of the Wild (BOTW).  Critics and fans were screaming “Game of the Year” before 2017 ever had a chance to stretch, and a few publications have even heralded it as the greatest game of all time.  By this point, if you are still hesitant to buy this game, any more praise is not going to sway your hesitance.  For everyone else, just buy the damned game.  It’s good; great even.  It triumphs over Majora’s Mask, my previous favorite Zelda game.  It washed away the grimy taste left by Skyward Sword, that disgusting, 93-on-Metacritic fake of a game.  It made me quit drugs and start a family.  It shows God’s face if you are a true believer.

BoTW 1

But it’s not perfect.  No game is, even if BOTW can eliminate world hunger.  As such, rather than churn out another article of praise, this review will pinpoint not BOTW’s strengths but its faults.  I dedicate this review to all of the people who gave the game a 0, including those individuals who rated it within an hour of its release.  To those people, you’re wrong, but I still love you.

The Top 10 Issues With BOTW, One for Each Review Score Point

10.

Cooking, upgrading gear, and navigating menus could be streamlined.  It is certainly charming when Link first cooks or interacts with the Great Fairies, but holy hell, after a certain point, I just want to grab my stuff and get on with the adventure.  Link would greatly benefit from an ability to cook or upgrade multiple items in one go.  The inventory system aggravates this problem a little simply because of how much crap you can hold.  An ability to manually sort your inventory would have been much appreciated, but even this change wouldn’t solve the inventory issue completely.

9.

Calamity Ganon is less than calamitous.  Yes, Link is capable of fighting Ganon after he leaves the Great Plateau, which considerably raises the final battle’s difficulty.  However, if you follow the story quest to its completion, Link will have become an army-of-one by that point.  Zelda bosses have never been paragons of challenge, but when two Lynels pose more danger than the Great Ganon, the ultimate showdown loses some of its appeal.

8.

Link likes walls a bit too much.  I understand that he may be pumped about his ability to climb about damn near everything, but latching onto a rock is inadvisable during a battle.  At times, my intention was to run alongside a wall, but once Link so much as scraped rock, he would start mountaineering.

7.

Heart containers do little more than show how many shrines you have completed.  In previous Zelda games, Link’s hearts were diamond-coated, with most enemies struggling to land a full heart of damage.  In BOTW, these hearts are about as resilient as Styrofoam, and enemies have three levels of damage:  one heart, half of Link’s hearts, and all but a quarter heart.  Even with considerable armor, Link will brush against Death’s cold lips after a single blow from a silver enemy.

6.

The story is unremarkable.  Other people have expressed their disappointment with BOTW’s plot, but that said, no Zelda game—apart from Majora’s Mask—has ever carried a solid story.  This doesn’t excuse a “meh” plot, but I can’t say I was anticipating a Pulitzer’s Prize script when I bought BOTW.

BoTW 3

5.

The voice acting is even worse than the plot.  I applaud Nintendo’s efforts in trying to catch up with the rest of the gaming world, but the resulting voicework sounded like a bad anime dub.  Compared to other critics, I actually found Zelda’s voice acting to be fine, but the Great Deku Tree deserves the golden Korok shit for his odious contributions.

4.

Weapons have the durability of cardboard.  Although weapons are plentiful throughout the game, a single weapon will rarely survive an enemy encounter.  Swapping weapons will eventually become second-nature, but this system leads to a “better save it for later” mentality.  For example, do you like your royal guard claymore?  Yes?  Then unless you want to say goodbye to it halfway through a hinox fight, you better equip your soup ladles and brooms first.

3.

Someone thought Hyrule was a tropical rainforest and programmed rain accordingly.  Rain certainly brings variety to the game, especially during thunderstorms or when it floods plains.  However, rain also robs the game of its vibrant beauty and Link of his ability to climb.  Because it rains almost every single day, you’ll eventually grow a desire to seek out and kill whoever the hell is playing Song of Storms on repeat.

2.

The framerate loathes certain parts of the game.  Generally, the game runs smoothly, but Korok Forest is a stuttering mess, gaining the new title of “Framerate Forest.” Combined with the Great Deku Tree, this forest is deserving of a good fire.

1.

You cannot register animals other than horses at the stables.  For a game about freedom, it’s absurd you cannot register whatever animal you manage to mount.  Sure, it makes sense that a horse stable would only deal with horses, but BOTW isn’t exactly focused on realism.  Riding horses still is a hoot, but certain other animals deserve to be saddled and ridden into battle.

BoTW 2

What’s the verdict?

Ultimately, hype is your biggest hurdle if you’re still on the fence about playing the Legend of Zelda:  Breath of the Wild.   The game could convert you to the fan club, but it could also send you over to the cynics who question the sanity behind the 10 reviews.  If we disregard such feats as “Game of the Year” and “Greatest Game of All Time,” BOTW is still a solid Zelda game.  If you enjoy Zelda, this game will satisfy your urges.  If you have yet to play a Zelda game, this one is just as good a start as any.  And if you hate it, there is a whole community of haters waiting for you to join their circlejerk on message boards.

Arbitrary Statistics:

  • Score: 10
  • Time Played: Over 105 hours
  • Number of Players: 1
  • Games Like It on Switch: RiME, Oceanhorn:  Monster of Uncharted Seas

Scoring Policy

Posted by Solomon Rambling in Review, 3 comments
17
Sep
2017
Solomon Rambles About Thumping

Solomon Rambles About Thumping

Thumper

Better Than Tubthumping

Thumper, in concept, is absurd.  It’s a rhythm game, but it ignores the licensed songs and catchy melodies of traditional rhythm games in favor of an unforgiving, pulsating electronic/noise rock soundtrack.  With its Lovecraftian monsters and foreboding atmosphere, Thumper plants its feet in the horror genre, a far cry from Just Dance and its ilk.  The fact that this game was created by only two people further belies how amazing Thumper is.

Thumper 3

In its entirety, the game is exhilarating.  Exhilaration means my pulse races, my hands sweat, and my breath becomes ragged.  My doctor alleges this is due to health problems, but I see these symptoms as evidence of butt-clenchingly intense experiences.  When you fight a final boss, are neck-in-neck in a race, or are alive by the skin of your teeth, that’s exhilaration. Thumper dials you to that setting and beats you until you like it.

What is it?

Similar to Audiosurf, you take control of a beetle-like thing as it speeds down a seemingly endless path toward the void.  You use only the control stick and A button throughout the game to accomplish turns, hit glowing buttons, jump over spikes, and shift lanes.  As is expected of a rhythm game, these obstacles correspond to soundtrack’s heavy beat, and your successful (and perfect) moves add clanks, scrapes, and (dare I say) thumps to the music.  Some obstacles, if flubbed, will damage your beetle, causing him to lose his protective outer shell.  Land another mistake, and your beetle is decimated and sent back to the last checkpoint.

Apart from the first few levels, the game is crushingly difficult, so you will appreciate that checkpoints are frequents.  Checkpoints also serve to split each of the game’s nine levels into bite-sized chunks.  Each level features a mid-boss and a final boss, the latter of which returns for each level with an increasingly mutated and horrifying form.  These bosses form the most challenging sections of Thumper because they require you to hit all glowing buttons in order to vanquish your foe, all the while navigating increasingly difficult obstacles.  If you miss one button, you will be cycled through the same section until you thump each button consecutively and successfully.

Thumper 2

Each level has its own leaderboards, allowing you to chase for the number one highscore and notice how many people gave up after the third level.  Additionally, after completing the first level, the same stage is unlocked in Play+ mode, where you have to beat the whole sequence without checkpoints.  Unlike in the normal mode, you cannot regain your outer shell should you lose it.  True masochists will find their home here.

 What’s good?

  1. The difficulty is fair even if it is brutal. Generally, a new mechanic is added at the beginning of each level in a brief tutorial section.  Although you will die often, the majority of sections are short enough for you to identify the tricky spots, plan your next attempt, and reach the checkpoint.  Some people will certainly dislike the level of difficultly, but with enough practice and patience, any section can be overcome.
  2. Bosses are fantastically dreadful and fun. Some appear as abstract geometric shapes; others manifest as monstrous creatures.  Combined with the challenge they pose, landing the final blow is a satisfying feat.
  3. The ending is extraordinary. I will not give details because it is best to go in knowing as little as possible, but Thumper’s conclusion is one of the best I have ever experienced.

 What’s bad?

  1. Both the environments and soundtrack could use a little more variety. This is a minor complaint because both elements effectively establish the game’s tone, atmosphere, and pace.  However, at times, sound and setting can feel a little too familiar.
  2. When you suck, it sucks. Thumper reaches its peak when you pass obstacles in sync with the beat, but if you’re not on point, you can still hit turns and buttons slightly off-sync and live.  When you’re off-sync, it can be difficult to regain the rhythm, which often results in damage later on.  When you are damaged, the screen fills with your debris, obstructing your view and increasing your likelihood of crashing again and being sent to the last checkpoint.
  3. Turning in the air doesn’t feel as intuitive as the rest of Thumper’s mechanics. Later in the game, you are encouraged to nail perfect turns while flying, which allows you to continue flying and hit point-giving arches.  Unlike the other mechanics, it took me some time (and a considerable amount of damage) to nail this move.

Thumper 1

 What’s the verdict?

Thumper deserves numerous accolades for its soundtrack, creativity, atmosphere, and unrelenting gameplay.  My only wish is that I could experience this fever dream on the Playstation VR, but even on the Switch (docked or undocked), the whole trip is visceral.  Thumper is the disturbed cousin of typical rhythm games—a distinction its developer embraces by labeling its own game as “rhythm violence”—and because of that, it’s a refreshing and innovative experience.  Although this game may not be for everyone, for those who can stomach the difficulty, Thumper is the best non-Nintendo game you can grab on the Switch today.

Arbitrary Statistics:

  • Score: 9
  • Time Played: Over 10 hours
  • Number of Players: 1
  • Games Like It on Switch: VOEZ, Deemo

Scoring Policy

Posted by Solomon Rambling in Review, 0 comments
05
Sep
2017
Solomon Rambles About Fists

Solomon Rambles About Fists

Rocket Fist

The Lesser-Known Falcon Punch

At the end of each of my reviews, I list how many hours I have played the game.  Typically, I will use the Switch’s activity log to track my hours, which was an unreliable system in the console’s infancy because the Switch was and still is seemingly unable to remember any number that doesn’t end in 0 or 5.  For any game played less than five hours, the Switch had no grasp of time, proclaiming I had played “for a little while” in lieu of an actual number.  Only in the world of Nintendo was three hours “for a little while.”

RF 3

Since the original publication of this review, the Switch has since been updated and now can count from 1 to 5 (ten days after you first play the game, mind you).  I am so neurotic about play time because I like to demonstrate how much distance your dollar may go.  For some, a solid experience—no matter how long or short—is enough to justify a game’s purchase.  For others, the more you pay, the more content you should receive.  For me, I divide the game’s price by the number of hours I played it.  In the case of Rocket Fist, the total came to $2.50 per hour, so the question is, “Would you pay roughly $2.50 an hour to play Rocket Fist?”

What is it?

Rocket Fist is simple in concept.  In multiplayer (the meat of the game), you control a customizable robot in a top-down arena in which you face up to three other robots.  Your bot can hold one rocket fist at a time, and tapping the B button shoots this fist ahead of you where it can ricochet off of walls, obstacles, and other fists on the ground.  Once you’ve shot your fist, you must pick another off the ground before you can attack again.  Without your fist, the B button now triggers your bot to perform a quick dash.  This dash can be used to dodge enemy fists, to bump into enemies and force them to drop their fists, or even to catch fists thrown by your enemies.  Your end goal is to punch your enemies out of existence before they do the same to you.

You can battle against your friends or computers in either Deathmatch or Survival.  If you and another player choose the same color of robot, you can even play as a team (which is baffling why this feature is not more clearly displayed). You can customize the number of lives/kills, the arena, frequency of items, and the presence of “ghosts.”  That done, you’re dropped into the first round to bash each other to bits.  If you get knocked out, you’re out until one victor remains and the next round begins.  Between rounds, you are offered a replay of the final knockout, which is a great for rubbing salt in your friends’ wounds.  Rounds typically last under thirty seconds due to the absolute bedlam caused by everyone flinging their fists, dodging them, and scrambling to get another.

RF 2

Rocket Fist also features a single-player campaign composed of 25 levels, five of which are boss levels. As with multiplayer, the focus is on destroying your enemies before they can do the same to you.  Unlike in multiplayer, your enemies have different abilities, necessitating different strategies to take them down.  The experience is short, sweet, and forgiving.  Getting through all sectors could take thirty minutes, and even if you reach a game over screen, you are only booted back a level.

What’s good?

  1. The multiplayer is a hell of a ride, whether you are by yourself or with other people. The mad dash to kill and survive is hectic, but the game never feels too chaotic to be luck-based. Despite Rocket Fist’s simplicity, it will take skill and finesse to know when to shoot, dodge, rush an enemy, or catch a shot. There will certainly be times when a crazy ricochet kills you or an opponent, but usually these moments are more hilarious than frustrating.
  2. Rocket Fist is perfect for couch multiplayer. The simple controls and premise allow for new players to drop in easily.  Because rounds are so quick, no one will be out for long, and the chaotic nature of the game allows even inexperienced players to win a few rounds.
  3. Everything runs smoothly. Frame rate doesn’t drop; slowdown doesn’t rear its ugly head, the physics feel consistent, and controls are tight.  The only issue is the B button confirms options whereas the A button cancels.

What’s bad?

  1. What Rocket Fist may have in gameplay, it lacks in content. Bitten Toast Games is a teeny-tiny developer, so it is understandable that Rocket Fist lacks some features.  Still, more maps, other modes, a longer single-player, online multiplayer, and a level editor could launch this game into must-have territory.  The developer has expressed a desire to make more content, and the Steam version of the game does feature a level editor and online multiplayer.
  2. The graphics and soundtrack, while serviceable, are unremarkable. Although neither impacts the gameplay significantly, some gamers may be left wishing for more distinctive stages and punchier music.
  3. “Ghosts” detract from the multiplayer. The default is to include these ghosts, which function similar to the “revenge” mechanic in Bomberman.  If you die, your robot is sent to the edge of the arena where it can skirt around the arena and launch electrical pulses at opponents.  If a living opponent is hit, they are temporarily immobilized and unable to fire fists.  Although the ghost feature can keep everyone in the game, I found that ghosts created more chaos and less focus on precision punches and dodges.

RF 1

What’s the verdict?

Rocket Fist is a welcome addition to anyone who loves couch multiplayer.  The Steam version may be the better choice if you have Steam Link or something like it, but if you don’t, the Switch version is definitely the way to go to enjoy it with your friends.  Rocket Fist is not going to be a game which eats hours at a time, but for the short bursts you do play, it’s a blast.  This video game serves as a hearty side to your multiplayer sessions, complementing main dishes like Mario Kart or Arms.  If you can accept this line of thought, you’ll be satisfied with Rocket Fist.

Arbitrary Statistics:

  • Score:  7.5
  • Time Played:  4 hours
  • Number of Players: 1-4
  • Games Like It on Switch: Super Bomberman R, Flip Wars

Scoring Policy

Posted by Solomon Rambling in Review, 0 comments
05
Sep
2017
Solomon Rambles About Isaac

Solomon Rambles About Isaac

The Binding of Isaac:  Afterbirth+

Birthed Harder

For a game with permadeath, Isaac doesn’t stay dead for long.  First spawned by Edmund McMillen and Florian Himsl in 2011 as a Flash game, the Binding of Isaac (TBOI) has been reproduced for almost every system, largely in part to port-happy publisher and developer, Nicalis.  It has grown larger as well, bulking up through expansions like Wrath of the Lamb, Rebirth, Afterbirth, and Afterbirth+.  The game is a juggernaut, and although no further official expansions are planned, TBOI continues to metastasize through developer-made “booster packs” and community-developed mods.

TBOI 2

Isaac’s adventure first came to Nintendo consoles in the form of TBOI: Rebirth with the Wii U and 3DS in 2015.  Over two years, I played that damned game for over 250 hours.  Prior to TBOI, the most I had ever logged on a video game was 120 hours (Xenoblade Chronicles).  Rebirth was particularly unique because it was one of the few games I continued to play even after I had unlocked and completed everything in-game.  If I am ever motivated enough to review Rebirth, it would receive a 9.5, no question. When I learned Afterbirth+ was coming in the early stages of the Switch’s life, I was elated.  Unfortunately, afterbirth—be it TBOI or the real stuff—tends to make things messy.

What is it?

TBOI: Afterbirth+ is a top-down roguelike dungeon crawler in which you play as Isaac (or one of many Bible-themed characters), an infinitely sad, naked boy.  He has fled from his murderous mother into the basement, where he encounters sentient poop, dead fetuses, demons, and a variety of other creatures who also want to kill him.  Isaac must move from room to room, destroying all the enemies in said room before moving to the next.  His main weapon is his tears.  Firing in the cardinal directions, you will fling your salty sadness at enemies in what must be the most depressing take on Geometry Wars you’ll ever see.

In addition to permadeath, each playthrough is randomly generated, ensuring that each session is unlike past ones.   You begin in the basement and descend farther into the world as you complete floors.  Your basic goal of each floor is to survive each room, find a treasure room, and then find the boss and kill it to move onto the next floor.  Both treasure and boss rooms yield items that improve Isaac’s abilities and change his appearance.  A mushroom improves your fire rate; a wooden spoon increases your speed; and a knife allows you to forget your tears and just stab enemies outright.

TBOI 1

For first-time players, death will be a given.  When you start your first game, you will not know everything about keys, pills, bombs, Curse Rooms, Devil deals, trinkets, and tinted rocks.  You won’t know which items will win you a game and which will hurt you (even kill you at times).  Each time you die, however, you learn a little more, and eventually you will progress further than your last attempt. As you progress, more content unlocks which adds more variety (and sometimes difficulty) to the game.  It is unlikely that you will be able to figure out everything by yourself, so you shouldn’t feel bad if you keep the TBOI Wiki near you.

What’s good?

  1. The game oozes content. It offers 10+ unique characters, two game modes, daily runs (for score-chasers), 35 challenges, 21 endings, 50+ bosses, and hundreds of items.  Even after you have discovered everything and played for hundreds of hours, the random combinations of rooms, characters, bosses, and items ensure that you see new interactions every run.
  2. Controls are tight. With enough practice, you can guide Isaac past his enemies and obstacles without taking a hit of damage (there are even achievements for this).
  3. Item interactions fuel repeated playthroughs. Isaac may start out with basic tears, but each item can radically change how you play the game.  Some items—like Brimstone, Sinus Infection, and Cricket’s Body—are fun by themselves.  Other items create beautiful synergy when paired together, like Ipecac and My Reflection.  For some gamers, dying doesn’t matter because another playthrough offers a new set of items.

What’s bad?

  1. Bugs and slowdown do occur. One set of floors in the main game will routinely experience slowdown when the screen is busy.  Fortunately, Nicalis did release a patch a while ago which fixed many of these issues (slowdown and some weird, inconsequential bugs remain), but previously, the game could crash and even had a bug so atrocious that it prevented you from unlocking a challenge and certain achievements.  As such, you were unable to 100% complete the game.
  2. Not all new content is necessarily good content. Both Afterbirth and Afterbirth+ added bosses, items, enemies, and gameplay tweaks that have not been well-received by the Isaac community.  Because of the volume of mediocre items or annoying enemies, you may lose some runs because of crappy luck.  Because the game is randomly-generated, you will have runs that have the best TBOI has to offer, but equally, the game can also choose to unleash all of its crap on you.
  3. Multiplayer is lackluster. Up to three players can join you at the cost of one of your hearts.  Each extra player is represented as a familiar which can fly and shoot tears just like Isaac.  They can also take damage just as easily.  However, extra players cannot pick up consumables, their damage output is less than Player One’s, and the camera will follow Player One.  You might get a few enjoyable sessions out of multiplayer, but usually, more people just leads to bigger headaches.

TBOI 3

What’s the verdict?

Despite the inconsistencies and bugs, the Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth+ still boasts solid gameplay, butt-loads of content, and a unique experience. If you own a computer and do not care about portability, grab it off of Steam.  The Steam version runs more smoothly and allows you to mod the game and download other people’s mods. If you only own a Switch, I give this game a hearty recommendation.  Although I still have my gripes, I can’t deny that TBOI is now also the most-played game on both my Switch and Wii U.

Arbitrary Statistics:

  • Score: 8.5
  • Time Played: Over 290 hours
  • Number of Players: 1-4
  • Games Like It on Switch: Tumbleseed, GoNNER

Scoring Policy

Posted by Solomon Rambling in Review, 0 comments