Heads Will Roll
Headsnatchers has an achievement for those who log 50 hours into the game. I can appreciate the developers for rewarding players for sinking that much time into it. I can’t imagine a single person who would subject themselves to such an endurance test. Considering that reaching the 50-minute mark is an accomplishment in out of itself, one wonders if the developers were delusional or overly optimistic.
Maybe we can call them “dreamers” instead. They certainly have a novel idea, one which could have been an irreverent, zany multiplayer game. However, somewhere along the way, their dream game became a nightmare, one which is incoherent, illogical, and unwilling to let you have adequate control of your body. Ranking as the worst game on my Switch, Headsnatchers hurts to play, no matter how much love the developers may have poured into it.
What is it?
You knock them out and then rip off their heads: that’s the Headsnatchers way. The rest of the game depends on the arena because each has its own win condition. One stage requires you to shoot a basket with your opponents’ heads. Another tasks you with feeding those noggins to a shark. Some stages forgo the head-stealing and place you in a head-popping obstacle course. Each level begins with an opening cinematic explaining the rules (sometimes poorly), and then you’re sent into the fray.
It only takes few punches to fall unconscious, leaving your precious brain bag defenseless. Mash A enough times, and your headless body can get back up and attack the enemy, ideally dislodging your head from their grasp. The X button performs a standard or charged punch while Y executes a dash attack. You’ll occasionally have access to weapons, but picking up and using them usually takes so long that a simple smack is more effective. There’s a dodge roll as well, but the hit detection is dodgy enough so you don’t have to be.
“Tornado” headlines the game modes, and although it lacks any tornadoes whatsoever, you will find free-for-all battles in which each of you vies for three, five, or seven wins. “Tag Team” simply pits two teams of two against each other on the same maps found in Tornado. “Online” offers a lobby where you can jump around until you realize no one is playing Headsnatchers. You could play with friends online. You theoretically could. “Roulette” adds a few cutscenes and randomizes which stages you play but is virtually identical to Tornado. “Zombie Castle” rounds out the package with a single-player mode which involves isometric platforming and gunning zombies, making it the only mode that isn’t like Tornado and proving Tornado should’ve been the only mode. And while we’re at it, let’s take out Tornado.
What’s good?
- Headsnatchers features a rather competent head creator. It’s like making a Mii except your creation is usually horrifying and the facial features overlap each other. You can then use your character to play, or you can choose from the 104 heads created by the developers. Most of their designs are actually endearing, to the point that Headsnatchers should have been a collectible action figure set (like Funko Pop) rather than a video game.
What’s bad?
- The controls make Headsnatchers borderline unplayable. Movement feels loose, and your punches/jumps/shots will rarely go in the direction you aimed. Sometimes your inputs don’t register, and other times they’re delayed. Even if you do land an attack, it only matters if the hitboxes decide to work. I’ve blasted other players square in the chest with a shotgun only to see the bullets phase through them. When the game gets to decide which of my inputs will matter, I’m not playing; I’m simply hoping I can participate.
- If the controls don’t ruin the experience, the bugs will. Of the two times I found one other person for an online match, both ended because the game didn’t register when someone had won, causing us to be stuck on a single stage. This same issue can pop up in local play. Additionally, you may think you avoided an obstacle or zombie, but if the coding disagrees with you, you’re out a head.
- There is no option to play with bots. I’ll repeat: in a game with a dead online community, THERE IS NO OPTION TO PLAY WITH BOTS. There are a few games out there that still lack bots, but for a game this simple and so dependent on chaotic multiplayer action, it’s absurd that the developers did not include this option. The Tag Team mode is unplayable without four people, and it’s easier to play alone with four controllers than find three other consenting humans.
- Some design choices seem to exist only to frustrate the players. The camera will zoom in based on the players’ locations, and if you’re right next to each other, the camera is fixed inches from your faces. There is no temporary invincibility once you’re knocked down, so if you’re in a pit of spikes or bullied by another player, “Tubthumping” becomes your anthem. If you’re entirely knocked out of a round, you’re frozen in place until everyone else is as well. Without a timer or any “sudden death” hazards, matches can drag out as the living players fumble with the controls. Certain stages are also dependent on precision platforming which is nigh impossible. As such, those stages either last minutes longer than they should or end in a draw.
- Zombie Castle is a “how-to” of bad platformer design. Most stages find you jumping from blocky pillar to pillar, and you need near-perfect jumps to overcome them. Add that isometric view, and “leap of faith” becomes synonymous with “jump.” Occasionally you’re tasked with ripping off a zombie head to use as a key, but most often, these zombies serve as invincible bad touches. It’s generic; it’s boring; and the controls still suck.
What’s the verdict?
I’ll acknowledge I played barely two hours of Headsnatchers. I gave up on Zombie Castle after beating the second floor. An online community doesn’t exist for me to be able to play online. Player 2 refuses to touch the game, and my friends could only stomach a round. Perhaps you unlock improved controls, better performance, and bots if you reach 50 hours of playtime. Perhaps you achieve Nirvana. Having played only the two hours, I have only achieved the understanding that the developers had a great idea and didn’t know what the hell to do with it.
Arbitrary Statistics:
- Score: 1.5
- Time Played: Over 2 hours
- Number of Players: 1-4
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