Warning: Sap Levels Dangerously High
When I had planned to propose to Player 2, I plotted what historians now call “the Mega Date.” I would begin the day by taking her out to a quaint waffle restaurant. We’d then go see a movie of her choosing. We’d follow up by returning home to open small gifts and binge on video games/Magic. I would end the day by taking her to a ritzy restaurant which featured an ornate garden where I would deliver the smoothest proposal ever known to humankind:
“You look absolutely stunning tonight. Spending all of today with you was almost perfect. There’s just one thing missing.” At this point, I would get down on one knee and throw the ring at her. The plan was sappy enough to drown us both in maple syrup, but I knew she would devour any form of romanticism.
Here’s how the day actually went:
Hipsters crowded the breakfast place, but the food was solid. Unfortunately, it oozed grease, and it attacked Player 2 with a vengeance during the movie. She excused herself from the theater, threw up, but came back, insisting on watching the rest of the film. When we returned home, I battled a panic attack as I questioned if a fancy dinner reservation was a good follow up to vomit. She assured me she was fine, so by dinner time, we trucked off to the restaurant.
I had not anticipated that it would be dark at 5:30 pm on a November night. Supposedly I had an aneurysm at some point because I should’ve anticipated it’d be dark at 5:30 pm on a November night. As such, the garden proposal was a no go unless I hoped to use the darkness to hide my shame. I wandered around aimlessly, dragging Player 2 with me as I searched for a suitable replacement for the proposal. After ignoring her questions about where we were going for a good ten minutes, I discovered a cute balcony, turned to her, and delivered my monologue:
“You look pretty good but not perfect.” At this point, I collapsed to one knee and gave the ring as a peace offering. Fortunately, she was smitten enough by the ring that she couldn’t see how I had rammed my foot down my throat, through my stomach and intestines, and out my ass to kick myself in the balls.
And we lived happily ever after.
My first official entry in the “I Can Do It Better” franchise is a little like my proposal. I had a grand scheme to pick apart a game and reform it into something greater, and I was pretty good for the first ten minutes, and then I lost the plot. Random issues (such as Elgato sucking) made the journey harder than I would have liked. Part of me also feared I would blow chunks over my microphone.
Despite all of this, the whole experience was well worth it, and I would do it again if I had to. I believe I was the funniest and calmest I have ever been during a video. The sound quality was good, and I was able to add a nifty little sound byte at the beginning of the video. I even had a good time when I watched it the day after the recording. For once, I do not feel scared to post it on Twitter (apart from how I may offend the developers).
The moral of this story is shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll look pretty when you burn up in the atmosphere of some far-off planet. Things rarely happen as we expect them to, but sometimes it all works out. For today’s video and for my Mega Date, it did.