Being mortal, I have my limits. I need to eat, sleep, poop, and pee occasionally (and sometimes in that order). So, too, must I use number scores in my reviews. Number scores are great because they communicate a quick message to the readers. As is natural, this message can then, in turn, be misinterpreted and cause all sorts of crap. In order to cover my arse and pretend I know what I’m talking about, I have defined each of my number scores. This way, people can better misinterpret my scores in the future.
10.0
We all know no game is perfect. We also know that reviewers have to say, “No game is perfect,” when they give a game a “10” rating. Games that receive this coveted score are usually the “generation-defining” games, the ones that you pretend to have played so people don’t ridicule you for not having played it, you filthy scum. You will most likely enjoy the game if you get it. Not everyone will agree that a certain game deserves a 10, and those people are permitted to leave “0-score” reviews on Metacritic.
Examples: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
9.5
These games are also universally fantastic—enough to create raving fans and detractors—but they’re just missing that final piece that brings them to near-perfection. A 9.5 game is like Tyson Gay; he’s really damn fast, but he’s only the second fastest person in the world, unlike Usain Bolt. Compared to a 10 game, a 9.5 game will have a few noticeable issues, but if you weren’t using a 20-point score system, the game might as well be a 10. Thus, Tyson Gay, you might as well be the fastest person in the world, I guess.
Examples: Gorogoa; Katamari Damacy REROLL; Mario Kart 8 Deluxe; Super Mario Odyssey
9.0
Whereas 10 games are “generation-defining,” games that get 9s are “system-defining.” If you have the system, you should probably have the game. These games still maintain a high level of polish, and unless you absolutely loathe the genre of a particular game, you will likely enjoy it. These games will have an issue or two that do affect some aspects of the game, but these rough spots are like having to occasionally use a highway gas station bathroom on an otherwise fantastic road trip.
Examples: Cave Story+; Hollow Knight; Thumper
8.5
An 8.5 game is a great game that you wish was better. Most people will still enjoy 8.5 games, and if you enjoy the game’s genre, you should probably get it. That said, no matter how entertaining 8.5 games are, they each have components that should have been better. These issues are not horrible, but they are noticeable, like an unfortunate birthmark. If you love a game but are left wishing it had more customization options, didn’t have those fishing minigames, or didn’t have that one annoying glitch, you may be looking at an 8.5 game.
Examples: The Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth+; Crawl; Flat Heroes; Minit; West of Loathing
8.0
When making a top ten list of your favorite games, games with 8 scores are the lowest you’re probably willing to go without feeling like you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel. These are games that you would be willing to recommend to friends without worrying that they’ll think you’re an idiot for liking the game. Compared to an 8.5 game, an 8 game may have more noticeable issues that hamper parts of your gaming sessions, but overall, each of your sessions is still positive.
Examples: Death Squared; Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle; Neurovoider; Night in the Woods; Splatoon 2
7.5
This score and its brother, No. 7, are the vanillas of the reviewer world. Is the game good? Sure. Does it have issues? Yep. A 7.5 usually means Solomon liked the game and really wanted to give it an 8, but he got pissed off some point. Subtracting 0.5 from the score is his version of petty revenge. With a 7.5 game, you will maybe have a mediocre game session or two, but the majority of your sessions will be positive.
Examples: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim; Overcooked! Special Edition; Rocket Fist; Treadnauts; Tumblestone
7.0
Although 7 is a bland review score, games which score 7s are still good games. As mentioned, these games typically have issues that hold them back from greatness. Equally, a game can score a 7 if it is solid but lacking in any originality. A retro 2D side-scrolling platformer can be a good game, but if it doesn’t do anything special, it is not memorable. It’s like eating at Panera. The food’s good, but you aren’t going to remember it after a week.
Examples: Blaster Master Zero; Gone Home; GoNNER; the Jackbox Party Pack 3; Tick Tock: A Tale for Two
6.5
Do you have a friend that you genuinely like but can’t stand being with for more than an hour at a time? That friend is a 6.5 game. The game can have several good parts to it, but weird design choices, unfortunate bugs, or wonky gameplay can make your play sessions frustrating. You may be able to ignore the issues if you like the genre of the game, just like you can ignore your friend’s failings when you’re both drunk.
Examples: Firewatch; Hidden in Plain Sight; Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime; Runner3; Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap
6.0
Spam, the food, is a 6 game. Some people love it, like Hawaiian people (according to the internet). Some people hate it because they have common sense. For the majority of people, it’s just spam. It’s good sometimes, and it’s bad sometimes. You just have to know if you’re in the mood for spam.
Examples: Fire Emblem Warriors; A Gummy’s Life; Kamiko; Nine Parchments; Super Bomberman R
5.5
This is the last stop before a game’s good side is matched or overcome by its bad side. Othello for the Nintendo Switch is currently sitting at a 55 on Metacritic. I played Othello once in real life, and I’d probably give a 55, too.
Examples: Bulb Boy; the Escapists 2; Lego City: Undercover;
5.0
“A 5 doesn’t mean it is bad; it just means it’s average.” Some reviewers try to pass this excuse off to lessen the pain caused by a 5 score, but it’s all malarkey. Imagine telling someone they score a 5 on appearance, and then try to give them the “average” excuse. See what happens. A 5 game is not atrocious, and certainly some people will enjoy the game, but you have to ask yourself, “Are you ‘some people’?”
Examples: This “old” piece of shit; this “average” piece of shit
4.5
There comes a point in our lives when we think, “Man, I’m so close to not caring about this game, but it just pisses me off enough for me to hate it a little.” When you—or any of us—feel this, you probably played a 4.5 game. The difference between a 5 and a 4.5 is simply your sodium levels while playing.
Examples: Angels of Death; this clusterpuck
4.0
For most people, everything below and including 4 is just garbage. If you believe this, you’d be right, but for those of us who like to place our garbage into categories, a 4 game can still show the glimpse of a good game. These glimpses are too rare to sustain a healthy gaming session, but at least they provide reprieve from the train wreck which you have now experienced.
Example: Don’t Think of the Children
3.5
The developers probably had a good idea at some point, but after one too many games of dodgeball with rocks, they lost hold on that good idea. Maybe you’ll catch hints of that good idea, but those could also be bugs.
3.0
No one cares about 3 scores, even compared to scores like 3.5, 4.5, and 5.5. Logically, a 3 should be halfway between “meh” and the ninth circle of hell, but if you’re trying to determine how bad a game is and you’re thinking about these comparisons, you’ve probably spent too much thought on the game. These are bad games. They just are. If you want to save time for the rest of this article, just repeat the previous two sentences for each score below
2.5
A 2.5 game is a one-legged ugly dog who lost its legs because it chewed them off. Why does it still have one leg? It’s still working on it. Is my metaphor accurate? I don’t know; I don’t plan on assigning a game a 2.5. I’ll revise this if the dreaded day comes. EDIT: The description fits perfectly, but perhaps not for Drowning.
Example: SPAAAACECAAAAAATS; Drowning
2.0
You know how people say there is always someone worse off than you? You could technically tell yourself this to help cope with the fact that you own a 2 game. Still, you’re somewhat ignoring how high the shit-waters have risen. A 2 game’s only redeeming factor is that you probably developed character or something by playing it.
Fractured Minds is the exception. It succeeds as a message about mental illness yet does not have what one would want/expect from a traditional video game.
1.5
When a game is this low, what does it matter if it has an extra 0.5? Well, this little half point is called comedic potential. A 1.5 game is so bad, it’s laughable. The game can be memorialized through drinking games, inside jokes, and internet memes. Buying the game is still probably bad for your health, but it is in our nature to see how far we can fall.
Example: This
1.0
There is no humor in this world. No fun, no hope, no love. There is only pervading darkness and pain. Incidentally, games with a score of 1 are shit.
Example: The Town of (five characters missing)
———
And that does it. To make matters more confusing, not every review score will fit perfectly into these descriptions. It could be that a game is a unique case. It could also be that I used a random number generator. Regardless, I welcome your thoughts and criticisms. If any of you happen to read this far and wonder why I use a 20-point score system, I’ll ramble about it in another article. Until then, may the good scores be with you.